In March of 2019, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. It was shocking, traumatic and the hardest thing that I've ever experienced.
I don't think anyone really expects their parent to get sick, but I was absolutely floored. After her diagnosis, things started moving very quickly: scans, appointments, sick leave, things we needed to get into place, and, of course, chemo.
I have no words to describe what it's like seeing your parent suffer and while it was obviously an incredibly challenging time, I learned quite a few things.
So many people smoke weed
After my mom got diagnosed, I felt like people were offering me marijuana on a weekly basis for her. Family, friends, the unexpected elderly neighbour, you name it. Never have I been offered or given so much weed in my life.
My mom doesn't smoke at all (and nor do I, really), but I assume people felt more comfortable giving it to me than her. It was really sweet how many people approached me to hand over some of the green stuff to give her relief, but ultimately, it just wasn't for her.
You become a problem solver
Most people know that you lose your hair when you start chemo but did you know that you lose body hair, too?
My mom losing her eyebrows was a tough thing for her to swallow, so I figured out pretty damn fast how to help her draw them on and what the best products were for her to use. The regular makeup that I use to fill in my brows was too harsh colour-wise for her, so I experimented with a buttload of drugstore and high-end products until we found the one that worked.
She also really struggled with her nails going black (again, who knew?), so making sure they were painted was a way we dealt with that problem.
I realize that an eyebrow pencil and nail polish don't sound like a huge deal, but just being able to feel somewhat normal is key when everything else around you is falling the f*ck apart.
You get really rage-y
I knew that my emotions were constantly at a tipping point, but I swear, every time someone would say to us, "Have you tried this product? My cousin's uncle's half-sibling started eating this random leaf for a month and it cured their cancer!" I would have to physically put my hands behind my back so I wouldn't hurt them!
One time I was at the grocery store with my mom (because doing little normal errands helped her feel normal) and it was at the time where she very visibly looked sick.
A stranger approached us and said to her, "You have cancer. I know a healer you should see." My mom literally pushed me in the direction of a different aisle so I wouldn't lose it on the well-intentioned woman.
If there were a miracle cure for cancer, no one would have cancer. I know people mean well, but anecdotes and hearsay don't heal people. If you're a spiritual or a religious person, that's of course an important part of the journey, but for me, science and medicine were the most critical things.
Therapy is important
I've dabbled with therapy in the past, and with my anxiety at an all-time high, I knew I needed some professional assistance to help me manage my feels.
Within the first ten minutes of sitting on the couch with a psychotherapist, I absolutely lost it and had a full-on ugly cry. Having a safe space to be able to process your emotions is essential when so many big, unfamiliar feelings are pressing down on you, especially when there are all kinds of unknowns looming in the future.
It also helped me have a little more grace with the rest of my immediate family who were experiencing the same situation I was and gave me the ability to empathize with them a bit more, instead of just focusing on my needs.
Weird sh*t will happen
One night my mom was really, really ill from an injection that I had to give her biweekly to help boost her something-or-the-other. Rationally, I knew that giving her the shot was helping her in the long term. Emotionally, all I could think was, "I've made my mom even sicker."
When I get extremely anxious, it tends to come out in a physical way, and I worked myself up to the point that I needed to throw up. I didn't want to freak my parents out since they already had enough to deal with, so I ran to the bathroom, turned on both sinks as well as the shower, and blasted the first song that came up on YouTube to mask the sound of my vomiting.
To this day I cannot listen to "I'm A Sucker For You" by the Jonas Brothers without getting flashbacks to that memory.
PTSD is real
It's been a few years since the whole thing went down, and I'm incredibly grateful to say that my mom is now 100% better. I know that's not the case for everyone who gets diagnosed.
Oddly enough, I often forget that she was even sick, which is strange since it was such a traumatic period of my life. Perhaps it's my brain's way of protecting itself? Who knows!
Every so often something triggers me, though. I recently watched the Taylor Swift doc on Netflix and she said something along the lines of, "Who cares what people think about you when your mom is sick from chemo?" and I absolutely lost it.
People show up for you
Whenever I felt most alone, someone would come through for me. From my friend bringing her baby over every week for some toddler serotonin while my mom laid on the couch to the employee at the West Indian store who offered to cook for us, the support was always there.
I am so grateful for everyone that helped me, even if it was just someone sending a "How are you doing?" text or sharing a meme to make me smile.
It really is the little things that help you get through it all.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.