This Essay article is part of a Narcity Media series. The views expressed are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
For many years, I looked for love on dating apps. I met a few good guys (and a few not-so-good ones) online before I finally settled down with my boyfriend, but man oh man, it's been a wild ride.
I've tried my luck on apps like Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel and Happn, and while for the most part people had good (or ordinary) profiles, there were some truly questionable ones that I just had to screenshot if only to later try and process what it was that I'd just read.
Here are some of the profiles that almost made me lose faith in humanity. Sorry, guys.
Natural fidget spinner
"I like Netflix and pig out on chips and pizza," he wrote, which is relatable enough. Having a full-time job is also great, as is having enough hoodies to share.
But then things take a turn.
"Pull out game is weak," he shared, or rather, overshared. Thanks for the heads up, I guess?
He then hit the ladies with this zinger: "I have a natural fidget spinner, it’s me helicoptering my penis."
I have no words.
A nice car
"Dating me is like driving a nice car. I'm good looking, fun, and a great ride."
If you have to specify those things in a dating app, I have a feeling at least one out of three of those boasts might not be entirely true.
The chair sniffer
Holy run on-sentence, sir!
"Apply only if you can survive 10 nights in the boreal forest with a knife and firesteel."
Again, this profile leaves me with nothing but confusion and questions. Why is this person's privates involved? Why did he use miles instead of kilometres? Why share that he wants to sniff the chair? Why is the second part about forest survival so menacing? What's a firesteel??
Cherry stem
"First round is on if you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue," this person wrote in answer to a prompt.
I'm assuming being able to perform this antiquated task is somehow a measure of one's oral dexterity, so in the words of Randy Jackson from American Idol, it's a no from me, dawg.
A good girl
"What do you want me to do and have you been a good enough girl to deserve it?"
While I appreciate that he's trying to be upfront about his sexual interests and this probably isn't meant to be taken seriously, the concept of having to be a "good enough girl" to "deserve" something truly irks me.
Keeping it real
"Keeping it real, I'm married and I'm looking for someone who can share my passion for life," this man shared."I've practically been in a marriage without life for years."
While this one is definitely sad, again, I'm again left with questions. Does this person's husband or wife know that he's on a dating app? Are they also unhappy in the marriage? Does he plan on leaving the marriage if he finds someone else? I need some answers!
Plunging a toilet
"Dating me is like plunging a toilet with one hand and feeding a raccoon with the other."
This is probably meant to be funny, but that mental image is so off-putting. Shudder.
No garlic
"Don't hate me if I say no Garlic on my food."
Of all of the things I've seen on the dating apps, this might be the most shocking. I'm the type who adds seven cloves when a recipe calls for two, so while I respect this person's dietary choices, I am personally perplexed by it.
So if you're anything like me, and have been equally shocked and fascinated by your experience on dating apps, the latest episode of Narcity's Take 3 will have you LOLing as the hosts dive into the Tinder Swindler documentary on Netflix and other dating app horror stories.
SWIPED! The Tinder Swindler And The Horrors of Dating Appswww.youtube.com
Good luck out there on the apps, everyone!
This article's cover image was used for illustrative purposes only.
