Everyone I know is moving to Calgary right now — Here's why it couldn't be me

They're out there gentrifying

For most people, this would be an argument in favour of moving to Calgary.

"It's growing."

"It's developing."

"It's up-and-coming".

Say less.

I don't want anyone my age — or younger — getting near a warehouse with a can of spray paint and a dream.

Put the Edison bulbs down, and step away from the exposed brick. I don't wanna see your BBQ joint with a 40x40-inch reclaimed-wood menu and metal bar stools, where you say things like, "We do things a little differently here."

It's family style. It's always f**king family style. We know that just means you want to trick us into ordering more $100 brisket! Your upbeat demeanour when you sit down beside me to take my order does not fool me.

As a great man once said, "Curb your enthusiasm".

They move: for the urban murals.

I stay: for the Larry David in me.

Being the "the sunniest city in Canada" isn't the flex they think it is

First off, being "the sunniest city in Canada" is like being the hottest guy at the chess club. That's not why we come here.

I'm not here to defend the rain in Vancouver. The snow in Montreal. Or the finance f*ck boys on Bloor Street. I know it's all depressing. But. I actually like depressing.

Do you think Nirvana would have ever existed if Kurt Cobain had been born in Waikiki? No.

Do you think they could have filmed Twilight in Turks and Caicos? If you do, you're probably Team Jacob.

The best art comes from grey skies. From teenagers who hate everyone in high school and swear they’re "getting out of this town one day.” From people who post quotes from The Killers on Tumblr in 2014 and mean it.

Also, being sunny doesn't mean the weather is actually nice. Winters are long, freezing, and harsh there, so while they might have blue skies, it's not like you can get out and enjoy them. I'll take constant rain but light layers any day.

They move: for the UV rays.

I stay: for the rain.

There's a reason why housing is cheaper

The more affordability argument? I get it. We all do.

My Zillow reconnaissance shows you can find a two-bedroom in Calgary for under $2,000 a month. This is real, and it's compelling. Still, there's always a trade-off with real estate.

For example, it's cheaper to live in Ohio than it is in New York. You could buy a house for, like, $200K in Ohio... but then you'd live in Ohio.

For some people — the ones with good remote jobs, a partner they wanna raise kids with, and a solid TikTok home-renovation algorithm they've been building since the pandemic — that's the dream.

Move to the fringe of Calgary. Get yourself a little farmhouse. Wait until a Kryptonian rock crashes into your field, and then go on to secretly raise Clark Kent. Anything can happen there.

But for me, I'm resentful. I do not want to waste square footage housing a John Deere tractor and teach my alien son how to be a good human. I can't teach lessons I haven't learned! I just want to spend all day in a coffee shop, pretending it's my office while I don't answer emails.

Sorry — I'd rather waste $200K on rent for five years in Gastown for nothing but the memories. A lot of them feature seasonal depression. I will have no legacy. And that's OK.

They move: for a long time.

I stay: for a good time.

Dating in real life is a thing, and I want no part of it

This one's a bait-and-switch.

Because if I'm being honest? Better dating might be Calgary's strongest argument.

I've heard nothing but good things from my friends who've moved there. Apparently, there is a more... genteel way of life. The Texas of Canada, I'm calling it.

I don't know if Albertans think of themselves as cowboys, but if the boots aren't from AllSaints, you're already several steps ahead of the boys on Carrall St. in Vancouver. (Shout out entire male cast of Riverdale when they were filming there).

All my insiders say the dating app scene in Calgary is bad, but the plain-old dating scene is a lot better. Realer people that you're meeting in real life. No one is afraid of asking anyone out. It's very 90s chic.

Now, if you're really into the 2020s, low-key a f**k boy? Calgary might not be your natural habitat.

If you enjoy swiping endlessly and carrot-dangling lame coffee dates that take place between 3-4 p.m., stay inside and on Hinge in Toronto. Re-submit your Raya application. Continue that on-and-off relationship with your toxic ex that your mom hates for the next 15 years.

They move: for love

I stay: for material