If you're a single Vancouver guy still struggling on dates — read this

Save the seawall day date for down the line

Unless she's the seawall's biggest fan, the seawall is so busy and there's nothing that's cringier than trying to get to know someone (which requires a certain level of intimacy) in an extremely public place, where people are racing by you in blue spandex and Oakley shades. Sexy? For absolutely no one.

Still, I am a big fan of the coffee date, especially if you're dating after 30, so here are a few ideas...

Not-so-hot spots: You can go to Liberty Bakery + Cafe on Main St. (or Coco and Olive) and then do a residential walk west toward Cambie St. Lots of beautiful tree-lined streets. Queen Elizabeth Park isn't too far either.

In Strathcona, again, another low-key residential walk, has two perfect neighbourhood coffee shops. I love Finch's and Wilder Snail. In Gastown, you can hit DiBeppe (famously my favourite coffee in Van), make your way to Water St, and head West until you hit the low-key part of the seawall in Coal Harbour that goes towards Stanley Park — if you MUST scratch the seawall itch.

I hope this goes without saying: NO Pacific Spirit Park! It's giving MURDER.

A few first date ideas — if you're awkward as hell

Not a movie. Never a movie. Movies are, in fact, the WOAT because you waste 2.5 hours not talking. That's some 8th date sh*t.

The advice: Consider going to an interactive bar. I know. I'm cringing as I type this, but I am doing it for the greater good. Sometimes talking over a dinner table with a total stranger while the waiter pours water for the 5th time sucks!

GRETA (the games bar in Gastown) is a good date spot for this reason. You can spend $50 on tokens, showing her how mid at basketball you are! It can cut the awkward tension and give y'all something to do with your hands — but it's not overly interactive, like an escape room (A.KA. the Pacific Spirit Park of date activities).

Another hot tip: I'm kinda into bringing group-ish dates back?? Bowling at Commodore Lanes? Low-key dumb and fun. Pool at Sneaky Pete's? Why f**king not. Overwhelming jazz at Guilt and Co? At this point, I'll try anything.

Let's just send and go to Blarney Stone for pub quiz night (that's what it's called in the UK 💅). Have a few of your friends join. It's chill. It's fun. It's low stakes. She knows you have friends — always important. Pick her up, drop her off. Keep it simple, and ease into getting to know each other.

Ditch the apps, dude

This may seem counterintuitive, but hear me out: Vancouver is an unusually anti-social city, so being asked out in real life? Women are obsessed with it. They feel chosen.

Dating apps suck, and not even for the obvious reasons. Yeah, the constant swiping is lame. The conversations end before they begin. But honestly, I don't do them because they fail in the only category that matters: chemistry.

Because no matter how many of our FB chat flirations circa who was online at 3 a.m. in 2012 that Mark Zuckerberg has personally gone through – these billionaire technies can't crack the code. The prompts, the bios, the "woman messages first", none of it matters cause chemistry cannot be built over the internet.

Why? Cause think we know what we like, but we actually don't.

No shade to all my exes... But I don't think there is one guy I would have swiped right on if I saw him on an app (ok, there's one — you know who you are). But I also was in years-long relationships with these men I loved and was attracted to! So what's the missing link there?

First of all, men don't take great pictures. Though I am really impressed with that trophy fish you caught on that bonding trip with your Dad.

Second of all, the "spark" is real, guys. We all know within 0.5 seconds of making eye contact if there's an energy exchange. Women aren't thaaaat slick if they want you to ask them out. You can always tell. Unless you're one of the guys who approaches 10 women in the street a day, in which case — stop doing that.

The WOAT is when you match with someone, have great text banter, and then realize you may have been talking to their best friend that whole time because they aren't funny at all. You know the next hour is going to be brutal.

Sometimes it's not even about looks — unless you've been FaceTune catfished by your date —it's just that the energy isn't there.

In general, the more dead-end dating app matches you get, the more rejected you feel. And then the worse your attitude toward dating is. It's a vicious cycle that reaffirms that dating is impossible and that energy follows you.

You actually DON'T always need to shoot your shot

The way you ask someone out matters way more than how often you do it. Women can tell immediately whether you're responding to an actual moment with them, or just running a game on whoever happens to say yes.

And there is no bigger ick than realizing you could've been literally anyone. Even if you're flattered, you can feel it. He's not asking you out because something about you stood out — he's just always on the hunt for a girl who's going to say yes. It could be you, it could be the girl he saw 45 minutes ago, it could be anyone with a pulse.

We hate that. No one wants to feel interchangeable.

Ironically, that's why a lot of men confident enough to ask women out in real life get shot down: they do it all the time. It's not confidence that's the turnoff — it's the desperate generic energy.

So yes, I am suggesting you ask women out in real life. But be present. Read the room. Don't do it when she looks like she's on a mission — speed-reading the supplements section at Whole Foods on 4th. If she's lingering by the fresh flowers? Whole different energy. More open. More meandering. More of a chance.

Before you even initiate a conversation, make sure you've at least made eye contact. Get real honest about whether or not she's putting out an energetic invitation to approach. If so, great. You can strike up a quick convo, and then guess what, here's when you know to ask for her number — when the conversation is OVER, and there's a 3-second interim of lingering.

Also, don't ask a girl out at a location you're not on your way out of. For example, if you're at the grocery store, and you haven't done your grocery shopping, but you get her number... just leave.

There's a Whole Foods on Cambie. You don't wanna make awkward eye contact near checkout after you've already gotten her number. It's a big meet-cute vibe killer.

Final take: I know Michael Scott said, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take," — but women aren't like basketballs. I don't know who needed to hear that, but I read it twice. Women can always tell when you do, in fact, do this all the time.

You're probably more likely to get a laugh and a number if you start with, "Listen, I always do this..."

General Dating Sh*t

On hatfishing:

Don't do it. We all know the male pattern baldness tricks you read on the Reddit forums: bleaching your hair, Rogaine, unexplained trips to Turkey, shaved heads, mustaches to distract, and arguably the least slick of them all: hats.

Because men love the "take her swimming" meme so much — bad news, she wants to take you swimming too, so she can see what's under that snapback *you show up in a swim cap*.

FR, though, I'm not trying to be insensitive. I've dated a few men losing their hair, and it sucks (for them, I didn't really care). I think hatfishing is the equivalent of women's FaceTuning too much (guilty as charged in a past life). The false advertising doesn't get you far. You don't want taking off your hat to be a jumpscare! It's why I tell my GFs to ramp up to wearing a full face of makeup when you're dating.

On "good looks":

Listen, we don't all look like Brad Pitt. In fact, I'd argue that actually none of us do. But the truth is, your facial symmetry and jawline aren't as important as you think they are. I'd actually say the majority of my friends (legit, all of them) are the better-looking half of the couple. No shade to their BFs — I love you all (ok, more like half of them).

I mean, yes, look nice, take care of yourself. Shower! Especially because summer is coming. Deodorant boys. Have it in your glove compartment. You'd think this goes without saying, but it actually doesn't.

Here's why I'm gonna hammer the cologne thing so hard — I'd argue scent is the biggest part of a first impression. Don't overdo it. Avoid any scent adjacent to "Millionaire" like the PLAGUE. It's so off-putting. Keep it clean and light. Spritz the air and walk through it.

Reminder: Beards are makeup for men. We all know this by now, right?

On texting:

Don't be on them all the time, but also don't try to be a cool guy who doesn't reply for eight hours. If you're into someone, just be a normal person.

Normal real-life conversation flow is sometimes responding right away when you see a message, and other times taking an hour or two if you're caught up in something.

On the first date kiss:

I stole this from a friend of mine who pulls a lot of girls, and I think it's a good little rule.

If you're not going for a Netflix-and-Chill hookup and you do take a date on a proper night out — don't kiss her on the first date. If she wants to kiss you, you'll get a second date. Then you can make your move.