8 unwritten rules of Vancouver's dating that you need to know as a newcomer to the city

 You need friends — or the will to "go out" alone

Vancouver's not exactly known for its friendliness.

The most important thing when it comes to dating is to have someone to go on a date with. How are we going to accomplish this? Sure, get on the apps if you must (more on that later), but Vancouver is a pretty cliquey city.

Vancouverites only want to hang out with people they know or people they "know of" (wow, so cool). While I maintain the city needs a greater sense of adventure, we're not quite there yet. So, how do you go from being a total stranger to a familiar face?

Yup. You gotta hit the town. Even when it's raining.

Meeting people IRL increases your chances of success

I never really did dating apps, but I've had a pretty solid dating career (Pro Tip: always do the dishes when you're at their parents' house). So here's my two cents:

Looks don't matter as much as you might think they do. You don't need to spend hours swiping — look around, hotties are everywhere.

I know you think dating apps are saving you time, but you're actually wasting it. You can spend three weeks and 30 hours texting someone, only to show up to the first date and realize in 0.2 seconds that even though you both love Tarantino movies, you've made a huge mistake. And actually, you shouldn't have started planning that trip to Bowen Island with them.

Because guess what tale is as old as time? You meet someone at a bar. Have a three-minute chat. And without knowing their favourite colour, or whether they like dogs — you just know.

People default to swiping and filters, and I get it, but if you're willing to take a chance, here are a few suggestions for meeting people in Vancouver IRL:

• If you're looking for a man who wears a suit to work: Cactus Club Café at Bentall 5, Happy Hour.
• If you're under 23: The Yale Saloon, any night of the week.
• If you're awkward with pick-up lines: Greta Bar (gives you something to do with your hands).
• If you're looking to date a CW actor: Equinox, West Georgia
• If you're looking for a high roller: Parq Casino

Neighbourhoods matter

In Vancouver, your dating prospects are basically pre-determined by your postal code.

A guy in Kits? He's probably into beach volleyball and intermittent fasting. A Main Street hipster? Exclusively shoots on film and only watches A24 movies. Over in the West End, they either have a big dog, a trust fund, or both. And if they live in Yaletown ... well, let's just say you're competing with their reflection in the Equinox mirror.

In this city, where someone lives isn't just a location — it's a personality trait. Choose wisely.

Cuffing season is the most competitive time of year, so plan ahead

"Cuffing season" is basically survival mode. It's the time to pick someone — anyone — to shack up with for the foreseeable future.

The Official Vancouver Cuffing Season Timeline

🗓 Late August - Early September: Scouting season.

• The time to start shortlisting prospects. Your summer fling or that hottie from the pickleball league you should have been embarrassed to join? All potential.

🗓 Mid-September: First-round draft picks

• This is when the emotionally available and stable people start getting locked down — otherwise known as "the good ones," (Not yours truly).

🗓 Late September - Early October: Cuff or get cut.

• Still swiping at this juncture? You're swimming the desperate pool of last-minute daters and the piranhas are coming. It's a lot of "not looking for anything serious, but open to something if it feels right", boys and "let's see where this goes" texts (Nowhere. It's going nowhere.)

🗓 Mid-October: Panic at the Halloween disco.

• You know those couples who met at a costume party and are still together five years later? Yeah, me neither. But it's the lie we've been told, the dream we've been sold, and the reality we're still all holding out hope for. Singles Beware. Halloweekend is your last chance at love. The final destination.

🗓 November-March: Roaming the streets

• If you're not carving turkey with your S.O., this is you. Forced to roam Yaletown in your tiniest mini skirt and your warmest parka. You are standing in the eight-hour line outside Banter Room with way too many guys in your party. You don't know the bouncer. Hundreds if not thousands of people have been let in. He tells you it'll be "15-20 more mins". You know he is lying. Nonetheless, you stay. It's the only ray of light you have in the otherwise dark and dead of the lonely night. He never lets you in. It's 3 a.m. now, and you're at Gorgomish hoping you won't have to end up alone tonight. Tonight will be different, you tell yourself, as you hunt for a glass of water in Gorg. You won't find one. And tonight won't be the night you meet someone.

Your Hinge date will ghost you

And you will be OK, I promise.

Honestly, consider it a Vancouver rite of passage. Flakiness is basically a love language. Plans are made with the same enthusiasm as a New Year's gym membership, only to be abandoned two weeks later.

Don't take it personally. The treadmill at Fitness World doesn't. (Even though you will. Because we all do.) Move on, live well, and in six months when you inevitably run into them at a brewery you'll narrow your eyes and think: "Where do I know that guy from?"

Your date will get too drunk, and it will be at Cactus Club

Vancouver has been affectionately dubbed "No Funcouver" by it's own residents. And honestly? Fair. Am I going to sit here and pretend the bars are giving Ibiza 2016? Absolutely not.

That said, for a so-called "no-fun" city, Vancouverites sure do love their overpriced cocktails and blackout brunches (Chambar mimosas all the way).

Which brings me to the cold, hard truth — at some point, one of your dates is going to get too drunk. Probably on a Thursday. Almost definitely at Cactus Club. Or Earls.

When it happens, you'll have to decode — are they charmingly tipsy, or is this their personality? (Spoiler alert: it's their personality.) And if you've never had this happen on a date? My friend, I hate to break it to you, but the person getting too drunk on watered-down Sangrias...is you.

A hiking date isn't weird here

I'm just as cautious as the next woman when it comes to keeping my wits about me on dates. So believe me when I say you're probably safe to head into the foliage on a popular trail, work up a sweat, and swap childhood traumas.

My only suggestion is to still follow typical date-safety protocol. Llocation share with that friend — Probably a Virgo. Possibly a Cancer. They will be refreshing Find My Friend every 20-30 minutes on your date.

Opt for coffee dates

You shouldn't have to break the bank when there's a chance your heart will be.

A friend of mine recently lamented that a quarter of his paycheck goes to finding love .In this economy, two cocktails cost as much as therapy.

And while I'm all for resurrecting chivalry, I'm not down for killing our savings account in the name of love. The savvier you are with the first date, the more you can invest in the second or third — if they're worth it.

So skip the $18 negronis and grab a coffee at Nemesis or Revolver, followed by a cobblestone stroll in Gastown (as European as it's going to get in Vancouver).