If you're a true Vancouver local you've had at least 10 of these 20 dating experiences
Real ones will relate!
Friends at a Gastown pub crawl. Right: A bridge in Vancouver.
Vancouver dating is not for the weak. Falling in love here is less common than getting trapped in a situationship with someone whose parents pay their rent, refer to their restaurant job as "the industry", and call you "dude."
Consider this your official Vancouver dating bingo card. If you've made it through 10 of these? You're not just a local — you're a legend.
You finally got accepted on Raya and immediately regretted it
You waited 17 months and 27 days to pay $49.99... only to realize you wasted 17 months and 27 days and $49.99.
It's too many cringe songs, empty DMs, and actor headshots for one app and they are getting zero callbacks — and quite frankly in this flakey economy? So are you. Once the validation of being accepted has worn off it's time to delete subscription and download Hinge.
Swiped right on someone just because they had a dog at Kits Beach
They were emotionally unavailable but their dog wasn't.
Went on the classic "feeler" date (coffee and seawall walk)
If you like people watching, go to literally any bench on the seawall because you can watch (and judge) hundreds, maybe thousands, of first dates with people who weren't sure if the date was even worth their time... and definitely not worth their money (a $7 oat milk latte and a 30 minute "hard out" is the new 'dinner and a show').
Pro Tip: If you're both wearing the same athleisure brand, you'll make it. If not? No dice. You can't pair a Patagonia vest man and a Lululemon legging girl. They are quite literally not cut from the same cloth.
He likes craft beer, she likes Chanel.
Gone to a date's apartment to find it entirely furnished by Facebook Marketplace and plants
You're making out when suddenly you think to yourself, "damn that lampshade looks super familiar. It looks like one I used to own but left on the curb outside my house..."
Bonus points if they own a dad cap, a record player, or put on a film from Criterion Collection.
Dated someone who exclusively wears Lululemon (or drives a Rich Mom SUV)
She had acrylics, a white Range Rover, and a coffee cup full of Stevia. Every outfit was beige (just like her personality).
She said she "doesn't do drama," but has survived three friend group implosions since January. It's not her fault though. They are all jealous of her.
Male version of this archetype: He went to St. George's.
Dated someone who claimed they were "off grid" when they were actually just ignoring you
They said they were hiking — in nature! "Recharging," the said.
They claimed there was no cell service, and because your ego couldn't take the L of being left on delivered for 17 hours, you believed them. That is, until they posted an Insta story from the top of the summit.
The only thing off-grid was their accountability.
They said they were "with the boys", but upon screenshotting their story and zooming in on their tiny tagged accounts, there she was... the handle of their "best friend they hooked up years ago and were so totally not in love with anymore".
Dated someone who works at the Aritzia head office (or for their dad)
She works in marketing. He works in "development".
Dated a "working actor"...who's never actually worked
They've spent more on acting classes than they've ever made acting. One audition a month, always losing it to someone from L.A.
You've been their self-tape reader more times than you've been taken on a proper date. They are definitely hooking up with their scene partner — and thank God someone is, because you're just waiting for the right time to end it.
Listen — I have too many loved ones on the acting grind to come for the Hallmark channel. But if I didn't? You know I would.
Dated someone who refused to leave Gastown
He was stuck in 2012 and still "looking for the one" at 45.
Spoiler alert: "The one" is no one. Throw him back — he's married to the streets. Roden Grey and Le Labo are all he knows.
It was the situationship that briefly brought you back to life. He gave you a newfound appreciation for Rick Owens, and even though he'd die before admitting those Saint Laurent cowboy boots were just high heels for men... you still think of him fondly whenever you smell Santal 33 or Another 13.
Went on a "date" that was actually just meeting up at 11 p.m. at a bar with their friends
The bar was Banter Room. The night was Thursday. They had already puked and rallied twice before you got there.
You will go on to fall madly in love with them... and then harder in hate.
Matched with a DJ who only plays warehouse parties in East Van
Their profile was just a series of grainy black-and-white film shots (always in a basement, always behind decks).
They're lame in real life, but cool on the internet. To stay or to go? A real Sophie's choice.
Showed up to a date and were looking for the wrong person (it's Facetune)
Ladies, we finally did it. Like Icarus, we flew too close to the sun. We facetuned too hard, and now all the men know our Hannah Montana secret.
Don't Tune your dating pics. Don't be a catfish — because showing up with the nose you hate is so much hotter than a photoshopped ski jump.
Dated someone who invited you over to "cook dinner" and skip the actual date part
This ones for all my hustlers and veterans going on 12+ dates a week — ya'll cracked the code.
For the unseasoned daters though, beware! It feels romantic at first... until you realize it's actually just presumptuous (and cheap).
Bonus points: If they were literally the worst cook ever, made the most busted meal, and didn't even bother with Netflix.
Dating someone who was clearly just trying to make their ex jealous
Or worse... trying to make your friend (who they were actually into) jealous.
You met at Equinox... and now avoid each other at Equinox
Luxury gyms are for people who don't actually work out and want to wheel. When's the last time you saw a bodybuilder with a gym membership that costs over $400? Never. He's doing a prison workout in between his shift down at the docks.
Flirting at the gym? Don't do it, people. The gym crush you've had your eye on from the top of the stair master for 6 months? They are not the one.
Also, Ladies, if you're wearing makeup while working up a sweat? Neither are you.
Went out with someone you met drunk at Portside
Or Bimini, or The Pint, or The Blarney Stone, or Fox Cabaret, or The American, or Heroe's Welcome, or GRETA. The criteria? Neighbourhood Irish pub meets games bar, meets poor judgement.
You had one sober conversation and realized you liked each other better wasted. Thank God you decided to go out to a bar — rinse, repeat, and regret.
Met someone in real life (with no mutuals) and realized why we don't do that anymore
You met at the club, the in-house photographer caught you making out and posted it on the FB page. You felt so smug about meeting someone "off the apps." It felt serendipitous — cinematic, even.
Until they told you they don't believe in banks, want a woman with certain values, and don't have a job.
Back to Hinge you go.
You moved in together just to save on rent
It wasn't love — it was a lease agreement. You had a toothbrush there before you knew their last name, and split WiFi before splitting a bill at a restaurant.
You told your friends "it just made sense," and it did. On your T4s.
You dated someone who said they wanted to wait before introducing you to their child — which is their dog
They had full custody, called themselves "Dad", and said they "couldn't do this again" if Baxter didn't like you.
You were competing with a 16-lb Labradoodle for emotional availability — and losing.
How did you score?
0 points: Never actually dated. Just got drunk and padded your stats.
1-7 points: You're a serial monogamist and you didn't have much time in between the three Saturdays you were single between your two 5-year relationships.
8-9 points: You've dated. You've spiraled. You've learned from your mistakes. You'll be getting married in the middle of the pack (before 35) to someone who's not the toxic ex you still think about every day.
10+ Points: You're a creature of the streets. Can't be tamed. Can't be caged. You're a legend and even though there are days you wanna give up for good — you won't. You're a fighter and you're doing it all for the plot. These are the war stories you'll be telling your grandkids someday.
20 Points: You're me, and any friend of mine I've roasted in this post.
Before you get going, check out our Responsible Travel Guide so you can be informed, be safe, be smart, and most of all, be respectful on your adventure.