Choosing your Canadian university is about way more than its ranking or its reputation according to your parents. Where you go says a whole lot about your personality – whether you like it or not
What the kids opting to take their gap year in their parents' basement don't get these days is that, unless you are trying to become a doctor, university is not about school. It's about experimenting with alcohol and that cute person on your floor at res who you hooked up with at freshers and will avoid for the next four years. I want you to know — you will actually NEVER get over that. You could break up with your partner of 10 years, and it still won't hit the way that slap in the face from a total stranger did.
So, if you're thinking about going to uni, or you're a millennial who plays LEVELS by Avicii just to feel something and wanna relive the days, here's what the Canadian university you went to says about your personality.
McGill
If you went to McGill, you are the perfect balance of hot, smart, fun, and cool.
You can tear up a dance floor, get at least a B+ on a test hungover, and will not let a little -10,000 degree weather stop you from hitting the club.
I would also venture to guess that your parents were a little bit strict growing up. You could go to parties only on weekends, and you definitely had a curfew. If you were drinking, you 100% were sleeping at a friend's that night. The friend whose house you would be sleeping at? ALSO, the friend with the fake ID who booted for the crew (they probably went to #7 on this list).
McGill feels like a "the parents went out of town" house party that lasts for four years. Whether you were the Seth and Evan in high school or the Jules — McGill is like one big friend group that doesn't discriminate. And if you didn't get that reference and haven't seen Superbad, I have nothing to say to you.
If you're considering going to McGill, here is my take from friends who've gone there over the years: You're going to become friends with people you knew in high school. You'll make new friends too. Probably hang on to one childhood bestie. In second year, you will get a kick-a** apartment in the student-run part of town. You'll probably hit the ground running once you get a degree and hold down a good job, but no matter the workload, you always manage to make it to Thursday drinks with your friends.
The main thing you got going on, though, is that you are the proud owner of a Canada Goose. You will spend thousands of dollars on coat checking it for the next four years.
Concordia
Concordia is where you go if you:
a) smoke weed and can go through TSA without having a panic attack
b) want to make jokes for the next 10 years that your art degree is useless
c) didn't have the grades for McGill
d) all of the above
I will say — my chillest friends went to Concordia. If you are a man, you have a Yaschia T4 on your eBay watchlist and would shoot on Porta 800 if you could afford it. You are a Criterion Collection subscriber and are waiting for your A24 Dad Cap to arrive in the mail.
If you are a woman, you find this man extremely attractive, even though you actually also hate him, and will have an on-again/off-again relationship for the next four years with the guy you met at the first party you ever even went to. It's very Normal People coded. You are most importantly not shopping at Aritzia. You are thrifting. You are listening to vinyl. You may even still smoke actual cigarettes. In fact, you'll never give up smoking all the way and you may have even gone to Coachella in your last year of high school.
You probably have a really good, tight-knit, incestuous friend group that has all dated each other. You're messy but cool to the core.
Western
You are an alcoholic. And you're not even offended I just said that.
Western is THE party school we all know and love. Everyone applies to Western as their safety school. And you know why? Because everyone gets in.
And if Western is your first choice? Then congratulations. You're a really good rugby player.
Western is the most American of the Canadian universities because they go hard like Van Wilder. Even if you don't go to Western, you've gone to Western.
Everyone I know has partied there at least once in their college career. If you've attended Western, you know the house couch was the official guest bedroom, and you'd be booking it out 4-6 months in advance.
U of T (University of Toronto)
University of Toronto is where you go if you want the full big-city, main-character, LinkedIn-optimized experience — or want to be a lawyer.
You like the idea of walking to class in a wool coat while mentally preparing for a six-figure salary. You romanticize productivity. You don't "go out", you do "after-work drinks". Even if you are four years away from being financially independent from your parents... or the bank you got your student loan from.
You live and die by the euphemism "your network is your networth". You have never seen me on campus, and you never will.
Toronto, as a city, feels older. More serious. More expensive. If McGill is the firecracker wild child, U of T is the type-A, eldest daughter who has a five-year plan and is one meet-cute with Matthew McConaughey away from realizing she can't optimize her way into falling in love (2000's rom-com trailer voice).
U of T is huge and centrally located— but the city doesn't revolve around you. And that's kind of the point. You like that it doesn't. It feels like you're already in post-grad life.
Unfortunately, I have heard people refer to TO as the NY of Canada in real life. Please stop it.
And if none of this checks out? Then there's only one reason you went here: you watched Suits once and liked it.
University of Ottawa
You were on the debate team in high school. You're studying political science. You don't think friends are extremely important. You have been on Ritalin since you were six years old. It's your secret superpower drug to study 15 hours a day. You are going places, but you will be going there alone because of the aforementioned lack of interest in friends. That's O.K., though. It's lonely at the top.
Ryerson (now Toronto Metropolitan University)
The Concordia of Toronto and almost all the same rules apply.
University of Alberta
You are hot and dumb and probably blonde. I'm thinking about one guy in particular.
I'm sorry. I don't make the rules. I just write confessional-style articles about them.
UVIC (University of Victoria)
If you ditched Social Studies on 420 to smoke weed at the Vancouver Art Gallery steps, congratulations on your acceptance to UVIC.
Like Concordia and Ryerson, UVIC is also the... shall we say "boutique" university near one of Canada's Big 5 schools.
UVIC is a college town in the best way. You can walk everywhere, and somehow it still has the vibe of Seattle in the 90's. If burning patchouli gives you a deep sense of peace, visiting Thailand is on your bucket list, and you're always down to side quest to a live underground show — you probably went to UVIC.
4. UBC (University of British Columbia)
If you're attending UBC, it is because you are from British Columbia (probably Vancouver) and have no interest in leaving. In fact, you will probably never leave. You will do your laundry at home and steal paper towels when your mom is not looking. Do not underestimate this luxury.
If you are a woman, you are hot in a basic way. Your closet looks like an Aritzia sales rack—and I believe you think that is a good thing. If you are a man, you will rock Reigning Champ to lectures (on the days you choose to attend them).
You will both very likely end up dating someone from your same tax bracket and/or high school and/or friend group — fun fact: these are actually all the exact same thing. If you're getting married at a church, it will probably be at Holy Rosary Cathedral. If you are getting married at not-a-church, it's probably Hycroft Mansion.
If you are NOT from BC, you are studying robotics... engineering? Computer Science? Bottom line, you are a nerd. And this will take you far in life. You're gonna start the next Snapchat and marry your Victoria's Secret model of choice. You will do all this while looking like Mark Zuckerberg, and it will be an inspiration to us all. You will, unfortunately, have to deal with the side effect that everyone will whisper you are secretly a lizard person. The people whispering will be me.
Pro Tip: If you went to Sauder School of Business, nobody wants to hear it. We already know what it means. You're gonna work for your father building condominiums — and quite frankly, ugly ones. You will install millennial grey laminate floors and charge $10,000 p/SQ FT in rent. And also, can I take you out for a cup of coffee on Friday to pick your brain?
If you're a Canadian who studied abroad? Congratulations. Your parents are rich. It's more about the "life experience" than the degree. But who are we kidding? Unless you're trying to be a doctor or a lawyer (boring), that's what college is all about.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
Mahnoor Naeem Courtesy of Alex Williams
Mahnoor Naeem Courtesy of Alex Williams
Mahnoor Naeem
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