I ranked Canadian cities on how long I'd survive living there and one didn't last 24 hours

#6. Edmonton — dead last

For context: I was recently almost scammed into buying a car. The mechanic doing the vehicle inspection (a lovely, trustworthy man) put the sedan on the lift, took one look underneath, and — upon finding it covered in rust — said gravely, "This car is from Edmonton."

He said it with the exact tone you'd use when referring to an evil ex-boyfriend, by which I mean, with horror and deep regret.

I'm telling this story to articulate what I think would happen to your soul if you stayed in Edmonton too long — the road salt and flat landscape would rust away your insides until you break down entirely.

Maybe that's a bit dramatic. They do have the mall (which is sort of a novelty item these days). I think I could probably kill an afternoon at the West Edmonton Mall. But beyond that, I start to run out of ideas.

Verdict: 6 hours

#5. Calgary — slightly longer than Edmonton

Every time I talk about Calgary, I have to brace myself. Calgarians are fiercely loyal (impressively so), and most alarmingly, a very active bunch in comment sections.

So I will tread lightly and be generous. I'm picturing a perfect scenario: a sunny, summer day, minimal mosquitoes, a few lifted trucks in the distance, but they're not blasting music or speeding. It's during the Stampede, so the whole cowboy thing feels more like a bit than a daily endeavour.

Under these highly controlled conditions, my time spent in Calgary could be alright. Pleasant even.

Verdict: 24 hours

#4. Ottawa... is cute?

Our nation's capital, and a city I know nothing about except that one time during my adolescence, I had to visit Parliament. Ottawa, from what I remember, feels wholesome. There's the Rideau Canal, and a bunch of cute lakes and nearby escapes that seem quite easy to romanticize.

In my mind, everyone in Ottawa works for the federal government to fund their addiction to Bath and Body Works products. Which is to say, the whole place seems harmless enough.

I imagine late Spring through early Fall could be genuinely lovely there. Winter, however, feels like a different conversation. And if you're already buckling in for the cold... why wouldn't you just go to Montreal? I'll keep doing my research, though.

Verdict: 6 months

#4. Montreal — I could see it.

Any place that gets to stake a claim on both the art of the bagel and a bad attitude "just because they're French" is doing something right in my books. Montreal is creative, affordable (for a city), and full of people who seem cooler than you in a way that feels inspiring rather than threatening. As if everyone owns a statement coat and smokes cigarettes.

That said, I am quite weak in constitution, so the winters would start to grate on me. Also, and this feels important, not speaking French becomes an issue.

If you can't tell, I remain deeply envious of anyone who had a McGill or Concordia era, no matter how insufferable they were about it.

Verdict: 4 years (of university, before the job market humbles you)

#5. Toronto — an (almost) forever home

Toronto can be a bit of a hard pill to swallow. Any city that feels drawn to make merch like "Toronto vs. Everyone" obviously has a little therapy to do. Maybe even a bit of a superiority complex that needs to be overcome. However, to its credit, it's the largest city in Canada, so I guess it's allowed to act like it.

There's an endless amount of things to do in Toronto, and more poignantly, an endless number of versions of yourself to try on. One month, you're a banker with a shockingly inflated ego. The next you're a humbled actor auditioning for theatre. By fall, the energy of the great big city has taken hold of you, and you're considering starting a podcast (if you're a man and this has happened to you, you should leave now. Please, quit while you're ahead).

It's loud, abrasive, and exhausting, but that's also what makes it feel alive. You'll never run out of restaurants, events, vintage stores, or things to do on a random Tuesday night — I don't think any other Canadian city can say the same.

You don't get bored in Toronto. You just get tired. The perfect place to live out your 20's.

Verdict: 8 years

#6. Vancouver – Canada's best

There's a scene in Notting Hill at a press conference where Hugh Grant asks Julia Roberts how long she plans to stay in London, and she says, “Indefinitely.”

That's not exactly how I feel about Vancouver. But I do (very biased) think it's the best we've got.

Don't get me wrong, Vancouver has a myriad of issues. The least of which are the impossible cost of living, the sleepy nightlife, and the general lack of culture. Do not get me started on the rain.

But it also has mountains, the ocean, and the kind of natural beauty that, on a good day, makes you forgive almost everything else. You might complain about it constantly. You might book a vacation every January. And if you're like me — you might always need to have one foot out the door, calling the city your "home base" rather than your forever home.

Still, if my angels ever sprinkle their fairy dust and allow me to purchase a real home, this is where I'd be buying it.

Verdict: Indefinitely