5 Things You Should Ask Your Partner Before Marrying Them, According To A Divorce Lawyer
Get ready for some potentially difficult conversations!
Toronto divorce lawyer Justin Lee.
If you've always dreamed of getting married, or are even beginning to plan your big day, you might be focused on details like the wedding location, venue and honeymoon.
However, before you start planning all of the fun parts, there are some important questions you should be asking your significant other, according to a top Canadian divorce lawyer.
As a divorce lawyer in Toronto, Justin Lee has first-hand experience on what causes so many relationships to break down, and has even gained a massive following on TikTok and Instagram for sharing his honest takes on messy situations.
We sat down with Lee to find out what questions should absolutely be asked before you agree to get married, and why they're so important.
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What are your views on children?
This one is a no-brainer, and you should work to iron out any differences in your views on children before you officially commit to one another.
"Having children comes with tremendous responsibilities, both emotionally and financially. If you get a divorce, you may be responsible for paying for them until they are an adult," Lee explains.
"Not everyone will want to have children, but if you do, you'd better make sure you and your spouse are aligned in your values and outlook on having them. Children are no joke!"
This is definitely one conversation you'll want to have with your partner sooner rather than later, so you can establish a solid foundation for your future family life.
What are your views on family dynamics?
Right now, you may not be thinking too much about how much family dynamics might change after marriage, but Lee recommends having this discussion anyway, especially if you're planning to start a family after the big day.
"What role you and your spouse played during the marriage will play a big part in determining your rights and obligations in the event of a divorce," he says.
Lee explains that it's important to discuss with your spouse who will do what during the marriage, to make sure your values are fully aligned and to gain clarity on each other's expectations.
"For example, if you’re a wife planning on being a stay-at-home parent, does your spouse expect it because of gender norms or do they recognize that it is a sacrifice you are making for which you should be compensated for?"
By having an open and honest conversation about these potential post-wedding changes, you can build a foundation of support that will hopefully continue well into your married life.
What assets/debts do you have?
Getting married often also means your finances become intertwined -- and this can get all the more messy in the event of a divorce.
"Too many people marry someone without having any idea what their finances look like!" Lee told Narcity.
"It is important to know because your spouse's financials at the time of getting married, as this can impact your rights and obligations in a divorce," he says.
Understanding each other's assets or debts is a crucial step to ensure transparency and avoid potential future complications, and by openly discussing financial matters, you can establish trust, stability and even financial compatibility from the outset.
How was your parents' marriage?
Obviously, you don't want to judge your significant other on the basis of their parents' marriage. However, Lee does point out that these conversations can give a lot of context around your partner's idea of a happy marriage and their perspective on relationships.
"Most of us learn about marriage from our parents. If they had an unhealthy marriage, chances are it might influence their children’s marriage," he explains.
"This does not mean that you must never marry someone whose parents had a bad marriage, but ask them about their experience and views," he advises.
Questions he suggests asking, carefully, include: What did they take away from their parents’ marriage? Do they acknowledge that it was unhealthy? How would they do things differently?
By discussing these matters, you can gain a deeper understanding of your partner, their values and their past experiences, which can help you both to build a strong and resilient relationship.
What are your thoughts on getting a marriage contract, aka a prenup?
In the modern world, a lot of marriages do end up in divorce, which is why it's important to have honest and open discussions about the possibility of a prenup (prenuptial agreement), or a marriage contract.
Lee recommends, instead of going in blind, having a mature conversation about the possibility of divorce, and what that could look like for you both in the future.
"Ask what they envision happening in the event that the 'happily ever after' is not actually forever," he says. "If your partner is not even willing to have this conversation with you, that tells you a lot about the person you're marrying."
Discussing this will enable you both to understand each other's perspectives and potential scenarios that could arise from marriage. Willingness (or unwillingness) to engage in this conversation could be an indicator of your partner's maturity regarding the realities of life.
While it would undoubtedly be a difficult conversation to have, it could contribute to creating a stable partnership -- even in the face of unforeseen circumstances.
"Remember, discussing a marriage contract does not mean you're planning to divorce; it's just being responsible and realistic," Lee adds.
Hopefully, discussing these key points will give you peace of mind about your big day ahead (no matter how far away it is!) and further strengthen your relationship with your significant other.
After all, relationships can be tricky. As a matter of fact, we once asked Canadians for the most ridiculous reasons why their relationships ended -- and the stories got super wild!