If you're Canadian, you have a Tim Hortons order.
Stopping in at Tim's is quintessentially Canadian and never not appropriate.
Road trip through the Canadian roads less travelled? Tim's Drive Thru has got you. Vancouver Island, 5 a.m. bridal party coffee run? Done and done. What you order once you're there, though, says more about you than you think. We are what we drink, people! And I'm here to prove it.
Canadians, listen up, because here's what your personality is based on your order at Tim Hortons — according to me.
Black Coffee — Truck Driver or owns at least 1 item from Bass Pro Shops
You are blue-collar (or performatively blue collar). You have spent some time in rural Alberta. There's nothing you can't do, and if you can't — there's nothing YouTube can't teach you.
When you're not drinking coffee, you are 10 Miller High Life's deep on a patio in Kelowna. Or Molson Canadian. As long as it can be shotgunned, it's good.
Espresso — You're from Europe
You just moved here. Probably from Europe.
You have no idea this is an absolutely wild thing to order from Tims.
Double Double — You are only here for the caffeine
You are a basic b**ch in the best way. The truth is, you don't really like coffee, but you need what coffee can give you. The caffeine kick.
Also, you probably still hang out with your best friends from high school, because a double-double is totally the 15-year-old girl play. When drinking coffee feels illegal, but you really think you need it to pull an all-nighter (A.K.A. working until 10 p.m.) for your Social Studies exam.
Hot Tea — You still wear skinny jeans and listen to Arcade Fire
Ugh. You're a girl. And you have to be different. You've kept your Aritzia infinity scarf from 2012 in pristine condition.
There's a high chance you went to McGill, U of T, or UBC. One of the big universities, but you don't actually have to study, because you're naturally gifted.
This is also why you don't need the coffee.
Meanwhile, your chainsmoker best friend, who is flunking Psych 101, has selective memory when it comes to the fact that you don't drink coffee. Literally every time you get up to the front of Timmies, she goes "What coffee do you want?" and you say: "I don't drink coffee," and then your best friend rolls her eyes and resentfully gets you a Chai Tea latte.
It's me. The chainsmoking best friend is me.
Oat Milk Latte — You make your BF wait outside the Aritzia changing room
And you don't even ask him what he thinks about your fit. Because you don't care. Which is actually extremely powerful B.T.W.
That said, you need to clock it, girl, that Tim's isn't the spot for any alternative milk. It's like going to McDonald's for a ribeye steak. That's just not energetically the vibe. If you're someone who can't handle an eyeroll from the person behind you in line, go somewhere that you will be charged $8.75 after tip.
Be with your people.
Iced Capp — You skipped class in high school for this
You're in high school.
You don't know what calories are yet, but you like the feeling of ingesting 300 in one long sip. Iced Capp is the gateway drug to caffeine addiction, B.T.W.
I will never forget the day my girl introduced me to the plain cream cheese bagel and Iced Capp combo. I ate it every day after school at the Tim Hortons by Lord Byng High School. As a snack. Which is retrospectively wild. And also my fave thing about being young.
And if you're not in high school? You got nostalgic for high school and grabbed one on a whim at the Tim Horton's nearest to the metro.
Cold Brew — You're overworked and underpaid
You work around the clock at somewhere like Aritiza or SSENSE — but you get paid an intern's salary. Your 11 a.m. iced coffee is your third coffee order of the day.
Your first is your transit drink — whether you're driving or taking the metro — which is a "wake up" French Press to-go. Next, you have your "at your office desk" Americano, this is your first real coffee of the day, and you can't even think about getting any work done until you've had your first sip.
Then by 11 a.m., it's time for your third coffee, and you need it to have a real kick. That coffee is a cold brew.
Note: If you get Vanilla Cream, you are a bit of a pushover. Start standing up for yourself, girl. Get the salary bump you've deserved for the last 2.5 years.
French Vanilla — a really good vibe TBH
Believe it or not, the person who orders the French Vanilla is the closest in personality to the black coffee — but more chill.
Here's why: there are only two beverages on this list that you can find at a gas station: black coffee and French Vanilla. Bizarre and yet powerful.
In my head, the French Vanilla-er is a husky dude in a flannel who grew up in a town of 1,500 people, and will always pass the test. He's everyone's best friend and is never not invited to the party.
London Fog — Harry Potter nerd to Emily Carr student pipeline
You've been a misunderstood art girl in Edmonton. You have taken photos of every street mural with angel wings in the arts district. You would love to have a studio on Granville Island.
Tim Hortons Keurig Pods — You drive a minivan
You're a single mom who works two jobs who loves her kids and never stops, with gentle hands and the heart of a fighter — you're a survivor.
She has been taking her kids to the rink at 4 a.m. since they were 9-years-old. Go mom.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
