I ranked 9 Canadian provinces based on how long I'd survive living there and one failed

B.C.

When people think of B.C., they think of Vancouver, but there's so much more to this province than my hometown, which I've had a complicated 29-year situationship with. The love-hate relationship is very real.

I left Vancouver for Los Angeles, and I used to dread coming home because every trip somehow turned into an unwanted high school reunion at the Whole Foods on 4th Ave.

But the last few times I visited, I did things differently. I planned trips to the islands instead — Bowen, Hornby, Salt Spring and, of course, Vancouver Island. It was peak Airstream country and honestly the best time. Having my car (God bless the ferry drive-on cabin) meant I could explore properly and pull over at every roadside farm stand and little grocery store.

Then there's the rest of B.C. A good friend of mine moved back to her hometown of Nelson to take over her family's grocery store. I'm a bad British Columbian because I didn't even know Nelson existed until then, but it's basically a Pinterest board come to life.

Kelowna, Penticton and the whole wine country scene aren't really my thing, but if you're into a little Canadian desert moment, you'll love it. Personally, I'm more into the tiny mountain towns that feel like they're straight out of Twin Peaks.

And yes, I forgot Whistler. I don't ski, snowboard or even know how to "pizza" or "French fry," so it rarely crosses my mind. The point is, there's genuinely something for everyone here.

#ExploreBC is cringe, but it's also true.

Survival Rate (Vancouver): 18 years... somehow

Survival Rate (the rest of B.C.): 8/10

Alberta

I'm sorry, but Alberta is just too intense for me. People always think of Montreal or Ontario when they think "party," but I think they've got it all wrong. Maybe it's because I'm sober. Maybe it's because Western culture is a full-on canter I simply can't keep up with. That was horse humour, BTW. And it was beautiful.

My older sister left B.C. for Alberta, and she lives for the dive bar scene. I can confirm that no one does it like Albertans. She worked behind the bar at the Calgary Stampede and sent me a video from the firing line, and guys... I was terrified.

Not her, though.

She was thriving. The Albertans fired her up. She was feeding off the energy of these Canadian cowboys and cowgirls. It was the kind of adrenaline you hear about when mothers lift a car to save their kids. Except instead of lifting a car, she was lifting the soda gun to pump out vodka crans.

Albertans, tell me if I've got it all wrong and the whole Western thing is just one small slice of your culture. The cowboy hats and boots out there are beauties, though. Is that alligator skin?

Survival Rate: 0/10 — Not even for 72 hours on a bachelorette weekend trip

Manitoba

This is pure speculation, but I feel like Manitobans are hardcore motherf*ckers who would chew me up and spit my high-maintenance b*tch ass right back out.

My favourite therapist was from Winnipeg. She was the best — but also absolutely brutal. I'm convinced she loved it when I cried because, to her, it meant we were making "breakthroughs." She was all tough and not a whole lot of love.

And do you know why? Because Manitoba is cold as sh*t. That's my working theory. It's the kind of place where you grow up shovelling snow and salting the driveway with your dad. But don't underestimate Mom. She's already been up since 4:30 a.m., scraped the windshield and is waiting to take you to hockey practice.

B.C. (my home province) isn't like that. In fact, British Columbians are low-key lying when we claim we know Canadian winters. Ours really aren't that bad. That's how I know I wouldn't survive in Manitoba.

Survival Rate: 0.5/10

Ontario

Ontario is funny because I always think I don't know the province beyond Toronto very well, but then I look at a map and realize I've actually been all over. Niagara-on-the-Lake is a favourite, and for some absurd reason, I'm genuinely addicted to Windsor. I think it's bleakly chic and somehow character-building.

So yes, I could absolutely survive in Ontario. But outside of Toronto, I don't think I'd find it stimulating long-term. It feels like it's full of charming little towns like Stratford and quiet luxury cottage country. Cough cough, Muskoka. That's just not my speed (boat). I'd rather be on a fishing boat in New Brunswick.

And no, I'm not biased. Even though I'm from B.C., I don't subscribe to the Toronto-versus-Vancouver rivalry — mostly because I actually love Toronto.

Plus, Toronto subway stations are way more aesthetically pleasing than Vancouver's.

Survival Rate (on vacation): 9/10

Survival Rate (in real life): 7/10

Quebec

If I ever had to move back to Canada, there'd be no question — I'd choose Quebec. One of my first (and favourite) writing jobs was in Montreal, and it made me wish I'd gone to university there.

As much as I love Montreal, and as much as Quebec City really does feel like the Europe of Canada, I also think I'd be completely blissed out living somewhere rural. I know a few people who saved up for farmhouses out there, and it looks f*cking incredible.

Cap-Santé, Baie-Saint-Paul, Percé... the list goes on.

The biggest roadblock is that I don't speak French and, because of my terrible personality type, I probably wouldn't even attempt to learn.

Survival and Thrival Rate: 11/10

The Maritimes

I'm sorry to lump you three together like you're triplets. I feel like I'm dressing you all in the same outfit I bought at Zellers and giving you names that all start with "T," so they sound identical. A true curse, because now no one remembers who's who.

New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and P.E.I. — you're all special in your own way. And, as far as I'm concerned, criminally overlooked.

I don't think I'd ever move back to Canada, but if I did, I'd seriously consider living in one of these provinces for a few months to see if it was the right fit.

At heart, I'm an East Coast girl trapped in a West Coast girl's body. And honestly, even though B.C. gets the reputation for being Canada's most beautiful province (sorry, we just do), these three give it a serious run for its money.

We have ferries, but y'all have fishing boats, and I just think that's a little more romantic.

And P.S., P.E.I. — you're more than just the birthplace of Anne of Green Gables. You also have that lighthouse, which is pretty cool too.

Survival Rate (in my head): 7.5/10

Survival Rate (in reality): 4/10

Saskatchewan

According to my fake ID from high school, I was born and raised in Saskatoon. I also went to St. Joseph High School, grew up on Kellins Crescent, and I'm still not sure if the long-distance thing with my prom date is going to work out. Oh, and I'm a Pisces (the backstory is very important, guys).

So while I clearly have a deep spiritual connection to Saskatchewan, I've actually never been there. Also, saying "Regina" is still funny.

Survival Rate: TBD