13(ish) Things You Need To Know For July 11

Good morning — Andrew from Narcity here! ☕

Since our last edition of the Canada Morning Brief, Hank Scorpio-wannabe Elon Musk pulled out from his massive bid to buy Twitter, leading everyone to make the exact same somewhat vulgar and overwhelmingly obvious joke about the father of (at least) nine.

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In Case You Missed It

1. If You're Reading This, I Guess Rogers Has Decided To Work Today

One of the cool things about Canada's telecom oligopoly is that a firm like Rogers can have an off day and bring down wide swaths of the country's infrastructure. Anyway, service is back after all of Friday's mayhem — which means that those affected should check out Lisa Belmonte's breakdown of what you need to know about getting a credit for your service interruption.

• But what happened? "We now believe we've narrowed the cause to a network system failure following a maintenance update in our core network, which caused some of our routers to malfunction early Friday morning," Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri wrote in a statement.
• A laughing matter: If you're in the mood for a chuckle, Brooke Houghton has curated some of the better memes about Rogers' meltdown.

2. I'm Not Even Sure How To Title This Section About What Howie Mandel Posted

This isn't clickbait; this is me trying to save you from having to contemplate the TikTok that Canadian comedian, talent show judge and noted germaphobe Howie Mandel posted — then mercifully deleted — on Saturday. The gist, as best as Sarah Rohoman can explain it, is this: Mandel posted a video of "(his) friend Neil" experiencing a prolapsed rectum and the comedian suggested it could have something to do with COVID-19. If you're a real sicko and want to know more, click here, I guess.

• My take: Maybe Rogers could've waited one more day before turning my wireless coverage back on.

3. The Feds Say The Wait For Passport Renewal Will Soon 'Drop Significantly'

Relief should be coming to those absurd lines at the passport renewal office thanks to a host of new measures designed to work through Canada's backlog, Lisa Belmonte reports. An expanded triage system that will prioritize those with urgent travel needs and the addition of new specialized staff who are trained to approve passports are among the new initiatives. Here's what else you should know if you need to renew your passport in the near future.

4. Doja Cat Is Mad At Will From 'Stranger Things' Over Leaked DMs

Stranger Things star Noah Schnapp is in hot water with Doja Cat after he outed her behind-the-scenes attempts to connect with one of his co-stars on the blockbuster Netflix series. In a direct message, the rapper asked the 17-year-old Schnapp to "tell Joseph (Quinn) to hit (her) up" — which Schnapp then posted to his 30-million-plus TikTok followers with the caption: "LMAOO slide in his dms." For more on what Ms. Cat had to say about Mr. Schnapp's indiscretion, here's Cata Balzano.

• This viral tweet pretty much sums up what this story looks like from my POV.

5. This New Jungle-Themed Lazy River Near Montreal Has Freakin' Laser Beams

There's a lot going on at this new waterpark attraction near Montreal, which claims to be the world's first lazy river with a multi-sensory tunnel. Was there previously a lazy river with a single-sensory tunnel? That is something you can contemplate while drifting through 75 feet of jungle-themed animations and lasers. Megan Renaud has the scoop on the Super Aqua Club's new Zephyr River.

What Else You Need To Know Today

🎉 HOLIDAYS
We usually feature a lot of entirely trivial "holidays" in this space but today's is actually important: it's the 11th day of the seventh month, so go down to 7-Eleven and celebrate National Slurpee Day with a free cup of high-fructose corn syrup flavoured ice. Here are the deets.

🎤 MENDES HITS PAUSE
After consulting with health professionals, Pickering-born pop superstar Shawn Mendes announced on Saturday that he's postponing three weeks of concerts after hitting "a breaking point" with his mental health. Get well, Shawn!

🐴 CALGARY STAMPEDE
If you build it, Kevin Costner will come. While some Hollywood cowboys are "all hat, no cattle," the Yellowstone star impressed with his horse skills while serving as the Grand Marshal of this year's Calgary Stampede Parade. The event runs through this Sunday.

🏠 SURREAL ESTATE
If you've got about $1.4 million just lying around, you could probably do worse than this incredible house for sale in Nova Scotia, which boasts its own private white sand beach and awesome view of the ocean.

🎂 BIRTHDAYS
Canadian pop star Alessia Cara turns 26 today. At age 48, rapper Lil' Kim is slightly more grown-up than her stage name implies. Robert the Bruce, the King of Scots, would have been 748 today; alas, he was cut down in his prime back in the 14th century.

Thanks for reading Narcity's Canada Morning Brief — the only newsletter that has anything nice to say about Robert the Bruce's haircut.

Let me know what you liked (and disliked) about today's edition at andrew.potter@narcity.com.

Have a great day and see you back here tomorrow!