8 Things You Need To Know For August 24

Good morning — Andrew from Narcity here! ☕

Off The Top: Let's appreciate the Larry David-level guilelessness of this sweet-toothed wedding guest, who decided to take matters into her own hands by carving up the untouched wedding cake herself. Chaos!

In Case You Missed It

1. These Provinces Want You & They're Making Strong Cases

"If you can live anywhere, live in Nova Scotia," reads an advertisement. The key selling point is that the average price of a home is less than half the national average, just over $368K (as of November 2021). But as Helena Hanson notes, the Maritime haven dubbed "Canada's Ocean Playground" isn't the only province hoping a combination of higher salaries, lower taxes and cheaper homes will draw young Canadians from elsewhere (cough, cough; Ontario). Here are four other provinces making a compelling case for being your forever home.

2. Don't Let Nonna See This; Tim Hortons Just Added Pizza

In their endless pursuit of selling products that no one asked for, Tim Hortons is piloting a new flatbread pizza in select locations across Canada. As the true gourmands say, bone apple teeth! Time will tell if Timmies pizza will go the way of their veggie burgers, chicken fajitas and their Cold Stone Creamery collab. In any case, Janice Rodrigues has scouted out where to find Tim Hortons locations serving pizza in the GTA.

• By The Numbers: The cheese option is apparently retailing for $6.99 while pepperoni, chicken parmesan, and a sausage and jalapeño option will set you back $7.99.
• What Else? Janice and Sameen Chaudhry found 14 menu items from Tim Hortons' international locations that sound way better than the stuff they're currently selling on our home turf. Thailand's tuna grilled cheese melt looks pretty good, actually.
• My Take: It would be nice if select Tim Hortons locations tested out having drinkable coffee.

3. Here's What Canadians Would Do With $5K, No Strings Attached

Thanks to a recent survey by the Angus Reid Institute, we now know how Canadians would approach a hypothetical situation where they suddenly and unconditionally received a $5,000 gift. Given the country's coast-to-coast inflationary woes, there's little surprise that about 10% of respondents said they'd use the cash for day-to-day costs, while 38% would immediately pay down outstanding debt. As for the remaining half, give or take? You'll have to read Janice Rodrigues' full story to find out more.

HEY YOU! You should sign up for the email version of the Canada Morning Brief right here. It's better than this version. Trust me.

What Else You Need To Know Today

🎉 HOLIDAYS
Happy National Waffle Day and National Peach Pie Day. Hey, wouldn't it be nice if Canada's preeminent coffee-and-baked-goods chain served these menu items instead of cosplaying as Pizza Pizza?

🤮 TOTAL RECALL
Parents and caregivers, listen up: Health Canada has issued a recall for Tootsie Baby-brand teethers due to microbial contamination, Lisa Belmonte reports.

😎 SCHNAPP CHAT
When he wasn't causing pandemonium by publicizing DMs from Doja Cat, Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp has apparently been working as a lifeguard this summer to keep himself "grounded." God only knows how many tweens have faked heat exhaustion at that pool this summer.

📌 JOB BOARD
If your twisted twin obsessions are long lines and being yelled at, Air Canada is currently hiring for a bunch of jobs in Ontario. According to Mira Nabulsi's list, the airline seems to be especially on the lookout for customer experience and cargo specialists.

🎂 BIRTHDAYS
Ginger-hued ex-wizard Rupert Grint is 34 today. The Fault in Our Stars author John Green turns 45. Dave Chappelle is 49. Trail-blazing Selma director Ava DuVernay has hit the half-century mark. Former all-time NBA 3-point champ Reggie Miller is 57. Paulo Coelho, author of every already-successful athlete's favourite book, is 75. Disgraced pro wrestling impresario Vince McMahon is 77.

Thanks for reading Narcity's Canada Morning Brief — the newsletter for wedding guests politely angling to be the bride's first dance.

If you had to spend $5,000 today — but it had to be on something entirely inessential — what would you do? Let me know at andrew.potter@narcity.com (or shout at me on Twitter if you'd prefer).

Have a great Hump Day!